MYTHS
|
FACTS
|
· When there is an
adoption, everyone wins
·
Natural
parents are just reproduction machines
· Natural parents do not
care
about the babies they
surrender to adoption
· Natural parents soon
forget the child they gave
Natural to and go on with their lives
|
· Everyone involved in an
adoption has many
loses
· Natural parents are
human
beings just like
everyone else
· Most people surrender a
child to adoption
because they lack the resources to do otherwise
· Natural parents care
forever and have great
difficulty going on with their lives
|
· Bonding begins after
birth
· The infant does not
experience her separation
from her mother
· The infant is not
affected by the loss of her
original mother
· The adoptive family is
the only family the
adoptee has ever known
|
· Bonding begins before
birth
· The child experiences
the separation from her
mother
· The pain and anger of
the separation are not
forgotten
· The adoptee had a real
relationship with her
Natural mother
|
· Telling the adopted
child a ‘good’ story will
eliminate pain
· The adopted child has no
idea that anything
‘happened’ at the beginning of her life
· The child will not
understand what you are
telling her
|
· There is no story that
you can tell an adopted
child that will eliminate pain
· The discovery of her
adoptive status is a
conscious confirmation of what is already
known to the child
· The adopted child will
feel sadness and pain at
the disclosure
|
· Adopted children don’t
think about their
Natural mothers
· Adopted children have no
conflicts about being
adopted
· Adopted children do not
have any particular
developmental problems
|
· Adopted children think
about their Natural mother all the time
· Adopted children have a
conflict between two
mothers that starts developing, at the very
latest, when they discover they’re adopted
· Adopted children process
their developmental
milestones differently than non-adopted
children
|
· If the child looks okay
(smiles etc.), the child is
okay
· The child feels lovable
because the parents say
so often
· The adopted child is
just like every other child
· If the child has
concerns about adoption, she
will voice them
|
· Children quickly learn
how to hide their
negative feelings if they are not validated and
once the feelings are hidden or repressed,
which is an unconscious process, they are
unaware of the existence of such feelings
· The adopted child is
unlikely to really believe
she is lovable
· Adopted children are
different. Their mothers
effectively ‘died’ for them at Natural and they are
in pain
· Children will often not
talk about something
their parents are afraid of
|
· Teenagers act like
teenagers and adopted
adolescents are the same as everybody else
· It does not matter if
you don’t know your roots,
your heritage
· You get your identity
from your adopted
parents
|
· Adolescent adoptees have
their own set of
specific problems that are very difficult to deal
with unless help and support is available
· If you don’t know your
true heritage, it creates
enormous pain and difficulty, especially during
adolescence
· Your identity is tied to
your past and your
heritage
|
· If the adopted parents
do a good job, the
adoptee will not have trouble trusting others
· The adoptive parents
made up for the loss of
the original family
· The adoptee should get a
good sense of self
from her/his adoptive family
|
· Adoptees have difficulty
trusting anything in a
world that separates them from their first
family
· Nothing can make up for
the loss of the
adoptee’s first family
· Since the adoptee
believes she was unlovable, it
is very difficult for hi,/her to have a good sense
of self
|
· If an adoptee looks
happy and well adjusted,
he/she is
· If an adoptee decides to
seek the truth, she/he is
emotionally unbalanced
· If an adoptee searches,
he/she is looking to get
even or get rich
|
· Many people who appear
happy are just
(unconsciously) hiding pain
· It is normal and healthy
for an adoptee to want
to know her own truth, her own beginnings
· Adoptees search to
complete their identity
|
· Adopting a baby will
remove the pain of
infertility
· Adoptive families are
just like any other family
and adoptive parenting is just the same
· Women who lose babies to
adoption soon
forget and go on with their lives
· An adopted child doesn’t
experience the loss of
the first family
|
· Adoption does not remove
the pain of infertility
· Adoptive families are
indeed different and adoptive parenting is also different
· Women who lose babies to
adoption never
forget and their loss is unresolvable
· Babies do
experience the loss of their mothers,
even when the separation begins at Natural
|
· Babies don’t know one
mother from another
· Babies don’t suffer the
loss of their first mother
· Babies are babies and
all can be treated alike
|
· Babies are aware of the
loss of their
Natural mothers
· Babies suffer from the
loss of their first mother
· Babies need special
attention and consideration
when they have lost their mothers
|
· If you tell a child that
she/he is special or
chosen she/he will feel good about
herself/himself
· You shouldn’t tell a
child he/she is adopted
· If you tell your child
that her/his parents died in
a car crash she/he won’t think about them
|
· Telling a child she/he
is special or chosen or
lucky will not ring true and will make the child
feel worse
· Adopted children will
always figure out or find
out that they are adopted
· Telling a child that
her/his parents are dead will
not stop her/him from thinking about them and
causes a tremendous amount of extra pain and
guilt for the child
|
· The adoptee never thinks
about her/his
Natural parents
· There is no need to
acknowledge that the
Natural parents ever existed
|
· The adoptee is thinking
about her/his
Natural parents often, even if unconsciously
· The adoptive parents are
also thinking about
the Natural parents often, even if unconsciously
· Everyone in the family
must openly
acknowledge the existence of Natural parents
|
· A child of this age
would not be thinking about
his/her Natural family
· A child at this age
should never be reunited
with her Natural family
· Leave them alone and
they will be fine. Don’t
open up a can of worm
|
· Children of all ages
think about their Natural family
· In general, there is no
reason why a child of
this age cannot be reunited
· No one can successfully
deal with the pain of
the loss of a mother alone, particularly a child
|
· Adopted adolescents are
no different than their
non-adopted peers
· If the adoptee has
problems, it is either non-adoption related or genetic
· An adopted person, if
they must have a reunion,
should wait until they are an adult
|
· Adopted adolescents have
their own special set
of needs that must be respected
· Adolescence is the time
of identity
solidification and for the adoptee is often very
painful and confusing
· A reunion should
preferably take place before
puberty
|
· No special knowledge is
necessary to treat
adoptees in therapy
· Adoptees have no more
need for therapy than
anyone else
· If an adoptee does need
therapy, it’s probably a
genetic thing
|
· Some special knowledge
is needed to treat
adoptees successfully
· People who suffer severe
trauma commonly
need therapy
· Adoptees suffered a
severe trauma when they
were separated from their mothers. Therefore, it
is likely that they will need some counseling
|
· Children don’t need to
know where they come
from
· Having regular contact
with the Natural family
would be confusing and destructive to the
adopted child and her family
|
· Every person needs to
know the truth of their
origins
· Regular contact with the
Natural family is less
confusing than no contact and will reduce many
of the pains and problems that face the adopted
person as she lives her life
|